I’ve long held a suspicion that Nigel Blackwell out of that Half Man Half Biscuit either is an audaxer, or should be. There’s something slightly obsessive, odd and solitary about audaxing which seem to fit and he’s definitely a cyclist. Not that I know the chap, of course. For all I know he could be a stalwart of his local golf club and hold forth at the bar about the farming inheritance tax. But that’s enigmatic geniuses for you.
So, when I saw a collection of calendar events, all themed around HMHB song titles, I signed up. It’s a long way to Crewe from Devon, so I picked the 400, to make it worth the trip. For the uninitiated, 24hr Garage People is named after a track on the seminal 2000 Trouble Over Bridgwater album. That’s probably an egregious misuse of the word ‘seminal’ which will either amuse or irritate Nigel but it’s hard to tell, enigmatic genius etc etc.
Anyway. I like 400s, for some reason. With the Mersey Roads 24hr TT coming up a week later, the timing wasn’t ideal (two weeks to recover would be optimal) but it would still give me a good workout and I enjoy riding through the night.
The ride is based around a loop of the Midlands, passing through places I knew well – Leamington (where I lived for years) and my old Royal Mail post round on the outskirts of Coventry. All of the controls are (drumroll) 24hr services and who doesn’t love a garage forecourt picnic at 2am?
First off, congratulations to the organiser Brandon Edgeley for a) having excellent taste in bands and b) attracting so many women to ride. I don’t know how, perhaps it’s his pheromones, but it was very encouraging to see so many at the start. Devon audaxes, even the shorter ones, seem to pull in a largely male crowd. Just why it’s so hard to get more women riding audaxes is bit of a mystery. There’s no shortage of role models for women in endurance cycling (Jasmijn Muller, Fiona Kolbinger, Juliana Buhring etc) and we all know that longer events even up differences in pure strength. I have a hunch, just a guess really, that female endurance cyclists tend to be presented (and present themselves TBH) with a degree of ‘grrrr, look at me beating the men’ machismo that doesn’t really inspire other women to have a bash themselves. Yeah, it looks great, but it’s also a bit intimidating. You really, really don’t have to be as fast, tough and resilient as any of these women to ride an SR series. Where are the bog-standard, slow-but-determined, less than skinny role models? Where are the equivalents of the chunky chaps who don’t look remotely athletic, but seem to pop up on most audaxes? More ‘real’ and less ‘top-end pro athlete’. I wish I had the answer, because more women on audaxes = a Good Thing.
So. An 8am rollout from Crewe McD’s, which was less than a minute from my hotel (which had the most awful/amazing chairs in reception).
Only one person (thank you that chap) clocked my Dukla Prague jersey & cap. Not strictly an away kit, but a very lovely jersey and one that only gets worn on special occasions.
I spotted one trike at the start. Trikies are a niche within a niche, so it’s always a cause for rejoicing to see someone daft enough to make a ride even harder than it needs to be. Mind you, you can fall asleep on one and not fall off, so there’s that.
I took Huey. This is him, although he’s had a replacement seat tube and a respray since I wrote this review. He’s usually faster and definitely lighter than my usual long-haul bike (Achilles, the Dawes Century SE) but he doesn’t have the same ‘everything but a spare frame’) luggage capacity, so I took a musette for arm-warmers, drugs, food etc.
Although it’s always good to see a healthy turnout on rides, I don’t much like riding in a group, especially when I don’t know anyone and we’re riding through a busy town. So I gave people a head start. A bit later I began to pick people off, eventually passing a large group. Some way up the road, they all steamed past me. I think they must have gradually split up, like pearls on snapped necklace, because I started picking off riders here and there on the way to the first control. In fact I almost missed the control and, having overtaken a couple of chaps, had to pull in sharpish to stop at a shop. I don’t think I chopped them off, but I felt like a bit of a nob. Sorry about that.
The first part of the ride is flattish and very pretty. Lovely scenery and picturesque villages, although with far too many union jacks and George crosses for my taste. My taste being none of the bastard things, unless they’re on a proper flagpole, at an actual football match or on a war memorial.
Clocked off the first 100km in well under 4hrs, which was pleasing. Stopped for the obligatory audax pint, because Rules.
It was hot, but not stupidly so. I don’t tend to carry vast amounts of liquid with me – preferring to have a big drink at stops (Coke, iced coffee, beer etc) but I did keep my bottle topped up with water, just in case.
A roadside chair presented a tempting opportunity for a sit down, but I girded my loins and continued pedalling.
I cut my cycling teeth riding round the Cotswolds, so some of the towns and terrain were familiar, although the roads in the middle section of the ride were mostly cross-country lanes and heavy going. Huey has aero bars and they made a real difference – same speed for less effort – but I couldn’t stay on them for more than a few miles at a time, so I didn’t get much benefit. I shouldn’t have known better really and I’ll swap them for next time.
For food I’d packed a few of my favourite guava snacks. If you’ve not tried them, you really should. Much, much nicer than gels.
I also had a few sugar waffle things. At stops I had some solid (and savoury) food, a pork pie, a samosa and a sandwich, but most of my calories came from sugar & liquid (beer, YOP yoghurt drink, iced coffee) and things like fruit & ice-cream. Easy to get down and with low residue… The latter is really important. Full value toilet stops are less than ideal and can lead to nasty chafing if you don’t carry wet wipes. Milkshakes are ideal, but I don’t like them. Eating – as in, solid food, can be a a challenge on big rides and I’ve learned that sloppy food is best. Sadly I forgot my spork, so tins of rice pudding and fruit were off the menu.
Rolling into the night was pleasant. The evening was warm, so I didn’t bother to layer up. At least, not until the last control before the finish. Foolishly I decided to have an iced Mc Mango and Pineapple smoothy. Delicious, but it chilled me to the bone and I started shivering, despite being inside. So I had coffee as well and put on every stitch I was carrying. It passed once I got riding again, but it was a silly mistake.
Another joy of visiting the Dirty Arches on overnight rides is that at least one of the late night guests will want to know what you’re doing. How far?!! From where?!!! To where?!!! Etc. It was the turn of another rider to enjoy this unique pleasure. I think it may have been her first time, but I’m sure it won’t be the last.
And so I trundled along. There were no really bad moments, the ones where you wonder if laying down in a ditch to die would be so bad really. My poor aero bar choice was a mistake and made the ride slightly harder than it ought to be (but not as much as riding a trike). There was an infernal squeaking, which I think is a rear skewer/drop out thing. I’d fitted a tap washer between the QR and the drop out to stop this but it didn’t work. That kind of noise is psychologically wearing, because a silent bike always feels smoother and faster.
Eventually, at 03:30, I arrived back at Crewe. For some reason the doors at the final McDonald’s weren’t open, so I gave up on a last coffee (and receipt) headed to the car and drove home. I’d planned to stop for a nap at the services at the first hint of the dozies, but all was well and I made it home by 8ish, and headed to bed for a proper snooze.
Overall I took slightly longer than my last 400 (Back To The Smoke) but that was down to spending an hour more sat on my arse. BTtS is also flatter and easier, so I was quite pleased overall. For my next trick I’ll be resting, sleeping and generally recovering in time for the Mersey Roads on the 25th July.
Well Chuffed Cycling 